3 Things Your Letter To Your Cheating Husband Should Include

Posted on 28th September 2011 in Cheating Spouse

Question:

My husband cheated on me and I feel so betrayed and angry with him. Is there a way that I can tell him how I feel without lashing out at him and pushing him farther away from me?

Answer:

If your struggling to deal with your husband’s affair or cheating ways, you’re not alone. Many women say they feel alone and don’t know what steps to take next. Writing a letter to your husband is a great place to start sorting out your emotions and dealing with your pain. But be careful when writing the letter because most likely your feelings will change towards your husband in the coming weeks and months. Also, the letter you write will set the tone for your recovery. And as has happened before, letters like this usually lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings between couples.

However, I understand why you’d want to write a letter. Often times, it’s difficult to put hard feelings into words. And usally what ends up happening to us is we break down and choke up when we’re trying to express our thoughts and feelings. So naturally it makes sense that we would want to write down our thoughts and feelings instead. Now I can’t write the letter for you, but I can give you an idea of what to say.

Using a Letter to Release Your Thoughts About the Affair

The first letter you write may not even necessarily go to your husband. Many women find this extremely beneficial because the get to privately express repressed and hurt feelings. In fact I encourage you to do this. If you don’t want to write a letter to your husband that’s alright. However I feel that a private letter to yourself, one that no one sees, is essential, so I recommend writing that if nothing else.

The best part about writing this kind of letter is that you don’t have to censor yourself or worry about how the letter will be percieved by others. After the letter has been written, it’s a good idea to hide it or better yet, burn it because it’s not meant for anyone but you. Since you’re the only one reading the letter, don’t hold back, let it all out. Go crazy and let it all out and then put the letter away where no one can find it. Because the letter is only meant to release your feelings, it’s not meant to be shared with anyone else. Now that we’ve talked about the letter you write to yourself, let’s look at the kind of letter you should write for your husband.

The Purpose Behind Your Letter

Before writing your letter to your husband, take a minute to think about the purpose behind it. What do you want your husband to take away after he reads it.?

A lot of women write letters with the intention of making their husbands feel guilty or ashamed about their actions. They’re trying to get their husbands to understand how much pain and anger the affair caused. They want to give him a small glimpse into their lives so he can see the far reaching after effects of his affair.

I completely understand your rational. But this is why you need to understand what you want your letter to say and what you want your husband to take away from it when he’s done reading it. Women may not admit this to themselves, but the underlying issue behind writing letters is to improve the situation. And they secretly hope that as their husbands read the letter they’ll understand just how damaging the affair was and they’ll resolve to change their lives forever and make it up to their wives.

The probelm is that it usually has the opposite effect. It’s true that this typre of letter will leave your husband feeling guilty. But may husbands also see the letter as a continuation of things. In response to this type of letter, most men will usually say something like: ” she’s not telling me anything I haven’t already heard or don’t already know. I get it! I screwed up. But why do we need to rehash everything again and again? Iā€™ve already told her that I was sorry and want to save the marriage. So tell me, how does a letter like this change anything? She’s just written down a conversation we’ve had and asked me to read it. All this tells me is that I’ve let her down and disappointed her and she’s just trying to rub it in. But that’s nothing new. It’s not neccessary for her to repeat it.”

This is the reason you need to know and understand what the objectives of your letter are before you sit down to write it and ask yourself if there’s a chance that your husband could mis-interpret what you’re saying or trying to get across to him.

Things To Include In Your Letter To Your Husband

A well crafted letter will help a marriage improve, even after an affair. But you’ve got to be careful what you write. Because as you’ve seen from the example above, a letter written in haste and malice can actually set a marriage back, instead of moving it forward. The true power of your letter shines forth when you clarify and misconceptions or misunderstandings that the two of you had as well as outline your intent and plan for moving forward. A letter written the right way can and will set the tone of your marriage and its recovery for the next few weeks and months.

As an example, rather than just spouting off about the affair and how it’s affected your life, you might want to include some details about how you would like to move forward and then ouline what you need for that to happen and how. When writing your letter make sure it contains these 3 things: your current feelings, what your needs are and your future intentions. It’s understandable that you’d want to include some information about how the affair has affected your life, but don’t make that the sole focus of the letter or else you won’t get what you need from your husband.

After you’ve expressed your feelings in the letter, the next thing you should include is what you need from your husband in the coming weeks and months. If you need more reassurance, accountability or affection, the letter is the perfect time and place to ask. It’s easier to put these things in writing sometimes, especially when we’ve been deeply hurt. But perhaps the best thing about writing a letter to your husband is that your wants and needs are written down and documented so your husband can refer to it again and again any time he has questions about what you need from him to move the marriage forward.

Lastly, make sure to include what your intentions are moving forward. Most husbands have no idea what their wives need from them after an affair. So if you want to save your marriage after an affair, take time to write down your feelings and expectations for your husband that tell him exactly what you need and how he can help get you there.

Now that you know how to craft your letter and what to include in it, help him understand how he can help you meet your needs.

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