Can I Really Love My Husband Again After Cheating On Me?

Posted on 25th May 2011 in Cheating Spouse

Cheating on me

Many women ask:  “Can I really love my husband again after cheating on me?” The answer to this question might surprise you and it’s more common than you think.

Frequently I read forum posts from women who are trying to put the pieces of their lives back together after an affair. I recently read a post from a woman desperately trying to save her marriage after her husband’s affair. However, she found that there were some roadblocks that prevented her from being able to do this.

She was still filled with anger and resentment and she said, in part: “If I’m being honest, I don’t think I’m in love with my husband anymore. You’ll never know how much pain he’s caused me. The man I married would’ve never cheated on me. So, even though he’s still the father of our kids and has been a key part of my life, I’m not in love with what he did to me. But there’s a “catch 22″, I don’t want to be a single, middle aged woman either. I guess what I really want is to save my marriage, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to love my husband the same way again. I want to try, but I don’t think it will ever happen.”

These concerns are very common. Affairs have the ability to kill feelings of love and security towards our partner for a while. And while some people never get these loving feelings back (or even want to,) many are able to. It takes time to clear away the muck and the underlying issues that surround your relationship.

Don’t Focus On Falling In Love:

Most women will admit that they haven’t started the healing process only because they don’t know where to start or what to do.

Before you focus on your feelings towards him, work on fixing the foundation of your marriage so your feelings have a strong base. You’re asking too much of yourself if you’re trying to force loving feelings when your husband hasn’t shown your remorse, rehabilitation, or a workable plan. If your husband hasn’t apologized, broken off the affair and started to establish predictable patterns again with you, let him know you need these things in order to move on.

As I mentioned earlier, this takes time. It’s not going to happen overnight and when you don’t focus on yourself first what ends up happening is you impede the progress in your relationship because you’re not ready to deal with everything else later on.

Love Yourself First and Everything Else Will Follow:

Too often women place too much focus on their husbands at this point in time and in doing so they forget about themselves. Affairs damage relationships and they destroy self confidence and self-esteem.

As much as it might feel foreign to you or even selfish, it’s important that you worry more about what makes you happy before you worry about everyone else. This doesn’t mean that you need to or should make any lasting decisions while you are still confused, but there is nothing wrong with taking small steps and moving toward things that feel positive to you.

Focus On Loving Feelings Before Trying To Fall Back In Love:

Many people want too much too fast in regards to their feelings after an affair. Many women feel that they can’t stand the sight of their husband, but at the same time want to feel that love connection with them again. It usually doesn’t work that way. It helps to take it very slowly and reestablish a trust followed by a new connection.

After you’re comfortable with each other and can spend time together without arguing, take time to create a new life for the both of you by doing new things together. And what you really want is to create something better and new. However when you rush things, you ultimately stop your progress dead in its tracks.

As your husband starts to change his life you will start to become more open and affectionate with him and your loving and romantic feelings will start to come back as well. The next step is to focus on the connection and the relationship so that you will both feel “in love” all over again.

For more information on how to connect with your husband after his affair download your free report below.

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14 Comments »

  1. Sane September 1, 2011 at 12:51 am - Reply

    My husband had an affair for almost a year about year ago. The first 4 months after D day he said he was not going to have contact with her and even got a new cell phone with new number. I felt that she was going to contact him, due to him not letting me hear him end it!! Then in January I find out the truth and they were talking… He finally admitted that she was wanting to keep seeing him and trying to talk him into staying in their relationship. Now 6 months later he seems to be remorseful and trying to talk open, but I am having trouble believing what he says. Any comment….

    • admin September 1, 2011 at 8:21 am - Reply

      Yes, it sounds to me like your husband needs to start establishing patterns of predictablity again in his life before you can trust him again. Have a look at my post http://www.survivinganaffairtoday.com/1-way-to-combat-trust-issues-after-infidelity/ which will help give you a few ideas to pass on to your husband. The thing you have to remember here is that he probably wants to be honest with you but he needs some ground rules and a map to follow.

      Sit down with him and map out some expectations for him to follow. If you do this he’ll respond in kind.

      • Sane September 1, 2011 at 3:47 pm - Reply

        Thank you. I looked at this and we have started applying some of these in our life: full access, phone calls. I still have images of her trying to contact him. Her job with DCF keeps her close to working with the office he works. This was her 3rd affair, (that I know of) but broke it off with the others and latched on to my husband. Fear and what ifs can be overwhelming at times. We have started working a workbook on communication, and have set boundaries in our marriage.

  2. Lori Sapp February 18, 2012 at 10:45 pm - Reply

    My husband and i separated for 6 moths where he had been with another girl.I also did my running around to about a year ago.We have two beautiful children together and i love my husband with everything in me but after the separation i find it hard not to trust him especially when he talking on the phone and i ask who he talking to and he won’t tell me.He say’s that i don’t trust him and if i can’t move on then we should not be together.Is there any hope or can i get over this i don’t want our relationship to be over?????????????

  3. Monica Garza March 19, 2012 at 3:38 pm - Reply

    WElll, it’s going to be my 10th anniversity this month. My husband cheated on me twice since we been together.. I can’t getover it and don’t see him the same anymore. He tries to make it up and being the best husband he can, but I don’t care. But then I do want that, but I think it’s too late. I’m confused !! Any ideas or thoughts please share.

  4. Dropped down rose June 24, 2012 at 10:24 am - Reply

    I hv been cheated twice by my husband. First time was 6years ago. I can’t forget but tried my best to keep up our relationship as normal as possible till last month I found out that he has been having another relationship for 4 years together. I am not able to take this and I am going crazy. I cannot concentrate on doing anything specially my work. We hv been married for 14 years now and have 2 children. I don’t want to spoil my children’s future and the family bonds we created together. I am also getting mad keeping this in within me. I cannot share this with anyone. It’s not a healthy thing to be spoken to any friend either.
    I don’t think I love him anymore after this. I also think how will I live without him. When he confessed after I came to know he said it was all for sex n nothing emotional. I wl and don’t want to trust him. I don’t know what to do?
    I hv also realized that none of our special days is important any more.

    Pls help me. I need advise.
    Dropped down rose

    • admin June 28, 2012 at 1:02 pm - Reply

      Hi,

      The first thing I recommend doing is getting your bearings first which means that you need to deal with your emotions and your feelings first before you tackle anything that involves your husband.

      Have a look at this .pdf file which will give you a few ideas on how to deal with your emotions before they get out of control.

      http://www.survivinganaffairtoday.com/free-report/

  5. Marlene Roy July 25, 2012 at 10:22 pm - Reply

    My husband cheated on me. I don’t love him anymore. I don’t trust him at all, and I feel that he still communicate with the other woman. He always hide his cell phone, even at night.
    Please help.

  6. SadWife July 27, 2012 at 12:01 pm - Reply

    My husband cheated on me shortly after our first child was born. He got to close to a female friend and ended up getting passionate with her but did not sleep with her. We had been together for 13 years and it shocked me to the core because I trusted him so implicitly.
    It’s been 6 months now and I still feel so depressed and such sorrow over it. We have been to counselling together and he has shown remorse and made many positive changes, becoming in many ways a better husband and father. But I just all feels so hollow now. The love I had just isn’t there and the security I once had is gone. We have made an effort to do new things together and build a new life. But I just long for the purity and complete belief in my marriage that I had before. I can’t see us staying married forever but am so scared to be alone. I try to move past this but it in my thoughts nearly every waking minute. The man I married does not exist anymore. It overshadows everything and has done since the moment I found out. It’s not even about trying to trust him (maybe naively) I don’t think he’s likely to repeat his mistake, but more about respect that I don’t hve for him.

    If its still hurting like this after 6 months and after all the effort he and I have put into moving forward – does this mean it will always hurt while I’m with him? Is the only to move forward to separate and try to build a new life for me and my baby. Any honest advice would be appreciated.

    • BROKEN June 19, 2013 at 9:35 pm - Reply

      I know exactly how you feel. I’m experiencing something very similar in that I have lost all respect for my husband. The affair turned him into a monster and he did things most people would never imagine…certainly not me. My faith in God has allowed me to forgive him and I really believe his heart is broken behind what he did to me but I just don’t have feelings of love toward him. I have a five year old son and he doesn’t deserve to grow up in a single parent home like I did. Most days I feel trapped and defeated. It seems I will never enjoy a loving relationship for the rest of my life. It feels like a part of me has died. My husband is pretty miserable too because he can sometimes see my resentment towards him and he can’t seem to change the way I feel no matter what he does. I sometimes wonder has he just done too much damage to my heart. My honest suggestion to you as I also encourage myself is to PRAY PRAY PRAY. Our circumstances are far beyond us and only divine intervention can help us now. It’s been three years since my husband’s three year affair. SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE.

  7. Annick Anderson Smith August 26, 2012 at 11:12 am - Reply

    My husband was accused of sexual harrassment at work three years ago. He said it was not true. According to him, they investigated his email at work and found some flirtatious emails with women at work but no grounds for sexual harassment. He said that he was being threatened to be fired for stealing time from the company due to the excessive emailing during work hours and so he had to resign. He says nothing other than the flirting happened. I don’t know what to believe. This place had a union and the union advised him to resign. This was a strong union who had just gone on strike 2 years prior. Lots of people used their work email for personal use and are not fired for a first offense, if ever. Their employee handbook states a whole step process of discipline, first being a verbal repremand followed by a write up, then time off with no pay etc. Why did his go directly to being asked to resign and why did the union advise him to do it if there were no grounds for sexual harassment and this was a strong union…especially when they did not follow the proper steps in the discipline process. He had never had a poor evaluation and always got all of his work completed. Also, if he were emailing these girls and “stealing” time, I know that at least one of the two girls still works there. Why was she not fired or asked to resign? Things don’t seem to add up. The worst is that I don’t know what really happened and what to believe. Never thought HE would cheat. Never thought he would be involved with an accusation of sexual harassment. Total slap in the face.

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