I Cant Understand Why I Want Him Back After He Cheated On Me

Posted on 31st May 2011 in Surviving an Affair

Survive an AffairI’ve read a few forum posts from women who though they had a strong sense of self until they were rocked by their husband’s affair. Then, the way that they viewed themselves changed. Because sometimes, they find that, much to their surprise and frustration, they want their husbands (and their marriages) back desperately.

I often hear comments like “I’m furious with my husband for cheating on me and having an affair. I’d always imagined that if he ever cheated on me I’d leave him immediately. But yet I find myself wanting him to stay and work it out. What’s the matter with me? Do I really think that little of myself that I am willing to put up with this treatment from him?”

These are still strong women who are beating themselves up over a situation that they have no control over. There’s nothing wrong with them. It’s completely natural to not be able to turn your feelings off and of. After all, you’ve invested time, effort and emotional energy into your marriage and turning your back on it now just doesn’t make sense. For some women, this isn’t an option.

Don’t misunderstand me here, there’s a huge difference between just taking him back versus taking him back and wanting him to change his actions so this doesn’t happen again. I will discuss this more in the following article.

 Getting Him Back From The Other Woman

Many women are furiously working behind the scenes to get their men back from the other woman or mistress. And, they are considering all sorts of underhanded strategies and plans. This is understandable, but always try to make sure that you aren’t doing anything that is beneath you.

At the end of the day, you want to be able to hold your head high and know that you acted with dignity and grace. Because you want those involved to see that you were the least to blame for the situation. Even though you were deceived by your husband and it’s perfectly natural to want to lash out at him and make him pay for what he did.

But, here’s the thing. There’s no need to play dirty to try and win him back, you have more power and control than you think and I’ll tell you why. By being the best person you can be in this situation, you will appear more attractive to your husband when things fall apart with the other woman.

It might not be obvious to your right now but you hold allot of cards in your hand with a few up your sleeve. You have a long history together filled with happy memories. And you have one other major factor to your advantage which is that most affairs occur because the partner thinks they are not valued in the relationship and so they go outside of the marriage to satisfy this need, but eventually they realize that this doesn’t solve their problems, instead it only creates new and more complicated ones.

And once he understands this you’ll be the one he comes back to for a stable relationship. But if you are hostile towards him that could drive him away causing more work on your end. Always ask yourself if, in a week or month for now, you’re going to look back on this action to find that it helps you or hurts you.

Getting Him Back And Making Him Stay

Getting your husband back is only the first step. The real test for both of you is to keep him faithful to you while at the same time dealing with your feelings of doubt, betrayal and humiliation. The key here is rebuilding your marital foundation to a point where you can trust each other again without having to look over your shoulder and wonder.

One mistake you’ll want to avoid is trying to “work” on him right away while trying to fix yourself too. Don’t get me wrong here, both of you need to address your issues, the key here is not to focus on the negative. If you focus only on those things that are negative, this could impact the overall vision for your relationship and how you want things to look in the future.

It’s extremely important that you give your relationship something to look forward to. The trick here is to balance the work that needs to be done by both of you (mostly him) with that of a fun and exciting future together. You need both things if you’re going to get rid of your feelings of insecurity while at the same time build a strong and committed relationship.

cheating on meI will show you how to get your husband to open up and share his feelings with you without making him feel threatened or trapped in a corner. These techniques are easy to implement however it takes time to see results.

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  1. terrie January 19, 2012 at 9:53 am - Reply

    Hello, I did alot of reading on these today and I too wondered the same question. I just found out this past weekend that my husband cheated on me close to 3 months ago. He works out of town 5 days a week. We have been together 6 yrs and married for 2. I love my husband very much and I have tried to understand why this happened, what did I do wrong everything was good so I thought. I sak him why he did it and all I’m told is I don’t know I am having a hard time with that answer. However,why reading your words help me see things differently somewhat and I thank you and I do agree with you if you love them and they are sorry and you work on it you can save your marriage (family).

    • admin January 19, 2012 at 4:32 pm - Reply

      Glad you liked the post.

  2. Olympia October 12, 2012 at 5:14 am - Reply

    Even though i caught him through his emails… He is quite sorry for what he did but why does he still call her and she him. I made it clear to him all i ask in order to heal is that all communication with her stop. He gave me excuses relating to work as the used to work together teaching. He was transferred just when i found out. But the still talk. Is this normal. I know this because i confront him and he admits to it but says its only to discuss student issues. I am so hurt and confused. Twenty three years of marriage, one 11 year old and this happens.

    • Len Phillips May 9, 2013 at 9:47 am - Reply

      He must break all communication with her in order for you to move on.

  3. tashiana bradley December 15, 2012 at 8:42 pm - Reply

    I believe you can still love and cheat but you never treat or make ur mistress feel there better than your wife or husband if you love them

  4. Len Phillips May 9, 2013 at 9:40 am - Reply

    After 36 years of marriage, I found out my wife had a 10 year affair. I asked if it would have continued if I hadn’t caught her and she said yes!
    We’re trying to work on it, but I have so many doubts.
    Did she love me during the affair and does she now?
    Has it really ended?
    Will it happen again? and so much more.
    She says she doesn’t know why it happened but I say everything has a reason. This is stopping me from moving on. I am so afraid that this is going to destroy everything!

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