My Husband Chose Me Over The Other Woman – Does He Really Still Love Me?

Posted on 18th January 2012 in Cheating Spouse

Question:

“I’m really happy to see my husband again after his affair, but I’ve got a few questions for him. He told me that he loved me and still wants to be with me and that he wants to work at saving our marriage. However, something tells me that he’s not being totally truthful with me. There are times when I think it’s because the other woman wanted him to commit more of his life to her and that he felt that ending our marriage would be too messy.

Am I over reacting here or are my suspicions justified?”

Answer:

Most women are relieved when their men return home to them after an affair. But it also doesn’t mean that everything’s back to normal. In many cases, there are still questions that need to be addressed. Most women will say to themselves ” did he really come back for me because he loves me or did something go wrong with the other woman?”

Many women often fear that their men have returned to them simply because things didn’t work out with the other woman. Or that they’ve only come returned because they feel some type of financial responsibility and obligation towards the children.

It’s normal for you to have questions after your husband returns. And you are going to wonder if his emotions towards you are sincere or just an act. Again, this is normal, but if it goes on for too long it can actually hurt you rather than help you. I’ll discuss further below.

It’s Ok To Ask Yourself “Why Did He Come Back?”

I think it would be a major problem if a woman didn’t have any questions regarding her husband’s intentions after he returned home.

When you’ve been betrayed and humiliated by someone who’s supposed to love and cherish you, you can’t help but question their motives. And the reality is that it’s a form of self preservation.

And since you’re not a mind reader, you’ll never know what he’s really thinking or feeling. So how can you get around this? Well you’ve really only got two ways that you can evaluate his words.

The best way to do this is to listen to what he says as well as see what he does. Because he’ll most likely say anything and everything. But only his actions will ‘tell’ you what his real intentions are. Don’t be surprised if it takes a while to ensure that his actions match his words. He’s got to have time to re-develop good, predictable habits again.

Focus On The Outcome Not The Perceived Motivation

I understand your hesitation to take what your husband says to you at face value. And I also understand you wanting to believe that your husband is home for the right reasons because he loves you and wants to save your marriage and that you might doubt him from time to time. I know that for the first little while, you’re going to be focusing heavily on this. But if you’re not careful, it can and will eat you up inside and destroy any progress you’ve made.

Here’s the real problem. Since you don’t know how he really feels, you’ll never get a definitive answer that meets your needs or what you think you need. And you risk placing so much of your time and energy on reading his mind and interpreting his emotions that you’ll never get past it until it gets resolved, which could be a long time. And as I alluded to, this can be a very vicious and destructive cycle.

If you focus too much on why he came back, you miss the fact that he chose you over her and came back to you. As time goes on you’ll start to uncover the truth about why he came back. But if you focus to much on the why, you might not be focusing enough on the how. And by that I mean you’re not focusing on how you’re going to make things better and move on from here.

At some point in your relationship you’re going to have to place your faith in love and focus on the opportunity that you have to build a better marriage with your husband. As the original question alluded to, the wife was having difficulty believing that her husband truly wanted to be there with her. But I have a question for her. ” Are you willing to place all your focus on his perceived intention and risk ruining your progress?” This is a time to ask yourself “what do I really want from him?”

Now I bet I know what you want and that’s a husband who truly loves you and is there for the right reasons. But don’t you already have this? Look around. Your husband is under your roof, sleeping in your bed and telling you that he loves you and that he’s there because he wants to be.

Time will tell if he’s being truthful towards you. So as I mentioned earlier you’ve got two choices. You can either fill the relationship with doubt and uncertainty and potentially ruin any progress you may have already made. Or you can give it time and see how your husbands words eventually match his actions.

There will come a time in your relationship when you’ll know how you can trust your husband again without being taken for a fool. Understanding the five forms of trust in a marriage, as well as which ones you can give and which ones you can hold back without harming your relationship will help save your marriage and improve your progress.

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3 Comments »

  1. bettyann June 24, 2012 at 11:47 pm - Reply

    I am the other woman not proud of it but I will tell you in my case I broke it off with him in January 2012 he still texted and wanted to see me, we were together for a year. I even deleted him from fb he always made me feel bad for him and you do fall for them i will be honest. My married man told me he loved me couldnt be without me and also told me it would be a mess that he didnt wanna lose everything he worked for. He drove from the city where he worked to see me for a couple hours alot. I couldnt put up with it anymore even though i did have feelings for him I had my best friend tell his wife. It was hard for me to do I didnt wanna hurt noone anymore but this needed to stop. I’m not telling you this to hurt you but be careful they do lie very well. The married man I was with had a wife who had cancer so he was worried how his older 2 kids would take it, he was gonna leave her I didnt want anything to do with that I even lied and said I had other intrest so he would walk away I hated doing that,but I knew what was going on was wrong. I forgot to tell you he was my first bf back when we were kids I broke it off and moved away and in 1984 got back together while I was pregnat seen him for awhile on n off than lost contact because i moved so we never got over eachother. What I’m saying is there was alot of strong feelings there bigtime, I never woulda been with a married man ever and I do feel bad for his wife that is why I walked away and made sure his wife knew not to hurt her but to make him mad at me so he wouldnt contact me anymore. I’m not saying your husband doesnt love you i’m saying in my case he went back because I wouldnt let him leave his wife i never want that hanging over my head and Yes I still love him and think about him alot as i’m sure he does me but I would never have anything to do with a married man ever again. I wish you luck and I hope your marriage works out but you shouldnt trust him hes done it once that you know about. Don’t settle you deserve better.

    • admin June 25, 2012 at 8:05 am - Reply

      Thanks so much for telling your side of the story, it’s not one that people get to read about too often.

      • bettyann June 26, 2012 at 12:13 am - Reply

        your welcome. I hope it helped just remember even the sweetest great guy will lie to get what they want. I’m not saying that I’m not at fault for getting into that mess but I didnt take a vow with his wife he did they were married 23 yrs that to me shows what type of man he really is the wife thinks hes the greatest guy and would never do that but like i say the other woman didnt hold a gun to him,matter fact he was like a pro almost like hes done this before. I think anyone who gets into this kinda mess owes it to the wife to tell her no matter what she needs to know. And most of these men (my married one) do not use protection at all. I learned from my mistake have alot of regrets really did try to stop it but he always pulled me back into it everytime. Like I said I went as far as making up a bf he used to tell me he was gonna tell my bf about us if I broke it off lol i thought that was really funny because there never was a bf plus he was the one cheating on his wife and family just goes to show what type of men they are really.

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