Question:

Will I ever really know the truth about why my husband cheated on me? He says it’s because he felt unappreciated in our marriage but I don’t think it’s that’s simple. Why do men cheat to begin with?

Answer:

I’m sure you’ve read about this subject before and the prevailing theories as to why men cheat on their wives. Many experts who have commented on this topic believe that men who cheat on their wives don’t do it for sexual gratification, instead they do it because they feel unappreciated in their marriages.

Now if what the researchers are saying is accuate, the supposed lack of appreciation that men feel in their marriages will cause them to cheat if another woman, who is not their wife, shows them the slightest interest and notices his good qualities. And what’s more, if this woman is willing and available, then there’s a stronger chance that an emotional and physical affair could develop and make his marriage more vulnerable.

I understand why the experts think like they do. And can you blame them? Their theories on why men cheat are based on what men tell them about why they cheated. And most men will tell you that one of the factors that contributed the most to the affair was feeling unappreciated in their marriage.

And what’s more, most men who have cheated on their wives are sincere and believe what they tell you when they tell you why they cheated. They don’t see it as an excuse, instead they see it as the truth.

What We Can Learn From The Reasons Why Men Cheat On Their Wives

Here’s the thing that I think both the experts and cheating men miss when it comes to why they cheated on their wives. Now I don’t doubt that at some point in their marrige they felt unappreciated and misunderstood, but should that really be an excuse for cheating? But at some point in time, anyoene who’s married feels like they’re taken for granted and feel unappreciated. But the difference is that not everyone who feels this way cheats. And I don’t doubt for a minute that men who cheat on their wives feel like they don’t understand, listen and value them or their efforts.

But here’s the question that I would ask cheating men. I would ask them ‘ would you not agree that cheating on your wife will cause more problems than it will solve? Don’t you think it would be better to ask your wife for attention rather than going outside your marriage for it?”

Now of course every man’s going to say that they already tried this and so they had no other option but to focus their emotional energies elsewhere. But I believe that both men and women need to alter their focus when it comes to this issue. It’s never OK to cheat on a spouse when you have the opportunity and ability to communicate your wants and needs to them. And it’s up to your spouse to meet those needs. You need to have a marriage where you both put each other’s needs first above your own.

The reality of the situation is that when you cheat, there’s no way to take it back and you’ve altered your relationship forever. But what’s worse, most men who cheat on their wives, only realize how much they love their wives after the damage is done.

So where do we go from here? I would argue that we’ve gained some valuable insights that can be used later on. We now know why men feel and think the way they do when they cheat. Now we don’t have to particularly agree with their reasoning as to why the cheat on their wives, but knowing how they think and why they think the way they do gives us an idea on where we need to turn our attention to.

How To Handle Your Husband When He Says He Cheated On You Because You Didn’t Appreciate Him

So what should you do if you’re on the recieving end? I know it must drive you nuts to hear your husband use this as an excuse. And maybe you’re telling yourself “hey I’m the most unappreciated person in the family, but I managed to stay faithful. And I really want to tell him that he’s acting childish. But do I need to feed his ego just so that he’ll stay faithful to me?”

I understand why you feel this way. And these are all valid points. But I think at this point you need to ask yourself what the best solution is going to be. The point is, you can debate this point endlessly with your husband and remain defensive about it, or you can try to come to some sort of understanding about it so that you can move on.

What I suggest you try with your husband is to acknowledge his feelings, even if you don’t agree. Let me explain first. People can’t control how they feel about things, but they can control how they react to those feeings. When you’re ready to talk to your husband, I’ve prepared a script that you can use on your husband.

“Honey, I understand what you’re saying and I don’t necessarily agree with it. And I don’t think that you feeling unappreciated was a reason to go out and break our marriage vows. I really wish you’d come to me first to discuss your feelings before you went out and did something that couldn’t be reversed.

If we’re ever going to make something of our marriage, you’re going to have to come to me from now on because I don’t want you cheating ever again. There’s never a vaild reason for infidelity in marriage. But the real issue is where do we go from here and how do we do it? I want us to have a healthy marriage and I want us to be happy again.

I will make an effort to make you feel more appreciated but you have to communicate your feelings and directly ask for what you need. And since I’m not a mind reader I can’t give you what you need if you don’t tell me what your needs are.”

Having a dialogue with your husband can help you understand why men cheat and understanding this one critical point could keep your spouse from cheating again.