Why Do I Feel So Guilty After My Husbands Affair?

Posted on 9th January 2012 in Surviving an Affair

Question:

“I’ve fallen into a depressed state after my husband’s affair. I’m really trying hard not to let it get me down, and I try and look on the bright side of life. I’m grateful that I’ve still got my health and my family and friends. And I just feel like my husband’s actions shouldn’t impact my life like they have by bringing everything in my life to a halt. I shouldn’t allow his actions to keep me from living my life. I have many things to be grateful for. And we’re working hard to save our marriage and I feel like we’ve finally started to make some progress.

But his affair has ruined so many things that used to bring me joy. He took her to a restaurant that we both loved and now I can’t even go in there. She also goes to the same gym as me and so I no longer work out there. Our kids are in the same sports league. So I’m constantly reminded about his affair. I come face to face with the past every day. It’s gotten so bad that now I don’t even want to leave my house and go out.

It feels like everyone around me knows about his affair and is judging me for it, even though deep down I know it’s not true. I know I’m being over dramatic about it, but I can’t help feeling the way I do. Everything that I once loved about life has now been ruined. And I don’t know what to do or how to get things back to the way they were before.

I try and tell myself to be strong and that it’s just a matter of will power, but I just can’t shake my depressed feelings. How can I move past this?”

Answer:

Most women go through depression when they are trying to rebuild their lives after an affair. But the biggest problem that many women have when they are talking about this is that the feel that some how they are to blame or responsible for their husband’s cheating ways.

Understand That This Is Not Your Fault

As I mentioned before, many women struggle with depression because they feel like they’re not strong enough to overcome their feelings. But in my opinion, strength doesn’t have much to do with it at all. I’ll explain below:

People from every walk of life at some point in their life are affected by infidelity. And if at this point in your life you find yourself struggling with your emotions after an affair it doesn’t mean that you’re weak or not strong. The reason you’re struggling right now is because you’ve been hurt by someone you love. You can’t fault yourself for that. And don’t expect that you’re going to overcome something as devastating as an affair over night. However, if you want to overcome your emotional struggle, you’ll need more than just a determined spirit to succeed. Sometimes what you really need to heal is more time and in certain cases, help from others.

If any blame in the relationship exists, it should be for your husband who cheated on you. The tragedy here is that not only are you depressed, but you’re also blaming yourself for something you had no control over. You didn’t do anything wrong and you didn’t deserve what happened to you and accepting this is the first step to recovery.

How To Improve Your Situation Bit By Bit:

Understand there’s going to be tough days ahead for you. There will be days when you don’t even want to get out of bed or do anything constructive. This is normal so don’t be alarmed. It doesn’t mean that you’re weak but you do need to counter these emotions with something positive.

Chances are you’re going to have to force yourself to go out and have a good time. This can be several things like going out with friends, going to the gym or watching a funny movie, but either way, it’s important to break the cycle of depression with positive activities, especially when you feel like you’ve got no control over your feelings.

Even though you can’t control your feelings or when they come, you can control how you react to them and what you do about it. You can either give into them or you can go out and be proactive and replace the negative feelings with positive ones. I’m not saying that this will work 100% of the time, but if you do it more often than you don’t you’ll keep yourself from being isolated and feel happier sooner.

Withdrawing from people and life may seem like the sensible thing to do at times, but in reality, this is the worst thing you can do. Reach out to someone, a family member or a friend but use them as a resource to get things off your chest. Sharing your emotions with others is a great way to get some perspective in your life as well as some much needed relief. Even a small reprieve from your depressed feelings can make a world of difference to how you feel and look at life.

If there are people you can’t stand to see, or places you can’t stand to go, there’s nothing wrong with totally avoiding them until you feel better. It doesn’t do you or your health any good by making yourself feel worse than you already do simply to make a point. Listen to your heart and follow it. You’ll know when it’s time to move forward. Forcing yourself to do it will only frustrate you and the healing process. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone.

If none of the tips I’ve mentioned above helps you with your depression after your husband’s affair, you may want to consider getting some professional help. You don’t deserve to live with this type of pain, especially when you had nothing to do with it. Often the right person can help you overcome your emotional turmoil and provide you with the relief you need to survive an affair, but you need to be willing to ask for help. There’s no need to suffer any longer so get the help you need so that you can move on with your life.

One Comment »

  1. Katherine A benedyk June 19, 2012 at 10:50 am - Reply

    my husbands affair only lasted two months. The lies keept going on. He told me he loved her. how can that be? we have been together for 12 yrs w/ 4 kids. how in two months he love her? she dumped him when she found out the truth,and now Im watching him get over her.It kills me to watch! i think to myself it didnt take him long to get over me when he slept with her. I got to speek with her and she told me all his lies. everthing was a lie! his life the whole relationship with her was basaed on a lie!

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